333
by cgee
Summary: Eleanor gets soulmate envy when having one you have to actively bathe is kind of a drag. Tahani wants to help and Vicky is more than happy to lend her...services. Primarily Eleanor/Chidi & Tahani/Vicky (eventual/background Jason/Janet).


Hi! This is my first foray into The Good Place ff, and I'm extremely into it. I hope I get the characterizations right! As you can guess from the title, this is a vaguely AU headcanon based on the highly-esteemed (IMO) #333 reboot we got a _slight_ glimpse of. Clearly I have a very active imagination. Anyway, all the usual disclaimers (aka I don't own anything, can barely afford rent, etc etc) apply, and I always love a solid review. Enjoy!

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Eleanor slumped back into her seat at Froyo-Yo Your Boat- the frozen yogurt cafe complete with a froyo river (that _never_ melted...The Good Place was seriously wild sometimes)- and ground her teeth. Her eyes were set on a couple at a table across the room. Before her face could set into a full-on scowl- which Eleanor had learned was _not_ banned in the Good Place- she was shaken out of it by a whimper under the table.

"Sorry, Stunner," she sighed, glancing under the table at the source of her interruption.

In one swift motion, she leant down to offer Stunner- the golden retriever named after the finisher move of the only man she'd ever loved, Stone Cold Steve Austin (obviously)- a lick of Peeing on an Unmarked Hydrant.

Despite her best efforts, she glanced across the cafe again, seeing Chidi and Stephanie getting up now, all jovial and shirt.

"They probably ordered something super nerdy, like Virgin Books and Blocking Climate Change Deniers on Facebook, or something," she scoffed.

Stunner just cocked his head at her curiously.

"Yeah, I know," Eleanor sighed, scrunching her nose. "Not my best work."

Once she knew the coast was clear, she got up from her own seat, taking the last spoonful of Raised Credit Card Limit. Stunner's discarded cup caught her eye. She considered leaving it on the ground, but eventually picked it up and tossed it in the trash.

"Forking Chidi and his forking _good person_ lessons," she grumbled under her breath.

After taking Stunner on a walk that _totally didn't_ consist of purposely walking past Stephanie's house and peering in the windows, or anything, she arrived back to her own Technicolor Dreamhouse (huh, more like _Nightmare_ house, she thought), collapsing onto her couch in a heap.

She watched Jerry Springer for a while- god, even the _bleeps_ were different here- before being interrupted by a knock at the door.

"Seriously?" She cried at the disturbance. "The pregnant chick literally _just_ took her top off."

There was no effort made to change the channel before padding to the door, because of course not. If Jerry Springer wasn't made for Good Place people it wouldn't have been available on demand, right?

"Oh, it's you," Eleanor shrugged.

"Well hello to you, too, Eleanor," Tahani greeted airily.

"Ready for today's lesson?" Chidi popped up behind Tahani, like an annoying, nerdy ghost. She suddenly had the urge to touch him just to confirm that he was really there (and definitely for no other reasons…)

"Tahani, why are you here?" She raised an eyebrow. "I mean, no offense, but you're not the one who needs help being good- er...Gooder! More good! Like me, who is already good, but wants to out-good even myself."

 _Whew, close one._

Behind Tahani, Chidi looked at her with a mix of panic and helplessness, pursing his lips.

Tahani simply scoffed, none the wiser. "Oh, Eleanor, don't be silly. Of course I'm very aware of my many benevolent attributes. I just wanted to see your dog."

Without warning, Tahani whistled, causing Eleanor's soulmate to come bouncing out into the living room while Chidi passed by, setting up his chalkboard.

An amused laugh escaped Eleanor's lips. "Huh, Tahani and a puppy. Feels like it should be in a calendar or centerfold or something."

The lesson passed without a shred of understanding on Eleanor's part- not for lack of effort by Chidi (a _painful_ amount of effort, if you asked Eleanor). As if to punctuate that it was truly over, Stunner bounded over to Eleanor and started licking her on the face, a thankful reprieve from Kant or Platypus or whoever.

Chidi watched the scene fondly in a way that made Eleanor's face heat up and her neck itch.

"Y'know Eleanor, I feel like you really hit the jackpot with your soulmate," he laughed in a genuine way that made Eleanor feel all indigestion-y.

How was there even indigestion in the Good Place? Well, maybe for frauds, there was.

She sat up immediately, "What do you mean? Not happy with yours?"

She felt Tahani's eyes flick over to the scene, but refused to make eye contact.

"What?" Chidi laughed airily. "Oh, no. Stephanie and I have been getting along great! In fact, we have dinner pl-"

Eleanor cut him off with what she hoped was a disinterested shrug. "Great! Enjoy your library crawl, or whatever."

With that, she got up and scaled the ledge to her bedroom, leaving Chidi, Tahani, and Stunner in the living room.

Chidi stared- a mix of bewilderment and disappointment playing at his features- at her rapidly closing clown door for a few moments before nodding.

"Ooookay then," He spoke in an attempt to diffuse the awkward tension. "I guess I'll be, um, going now. Bye Eleanor!"

Eleanor huffed out an exasperated "Bye Chidi," which she's fairly certain was muffled by the comforter she was lying face down on.

She heard the door close once, then pounded her fists into the bed approximately 20 times before emerging again.

Tahani simply sat there with a single eyebrow raised.

"So I have a confession to make," Eleanor said sheepishly.

She was annoyed that she'd never felt, like, nearly _any_ shame in her life, but now that she was dead it felt basically inescapable.

"Go on," Tahani urged.

"I _think_ I'm in love with Chidi. I mean- forking Chidi!" She groaned in exasperation.

"You... _think_." Tahani's expression remained unchanged, raised eyebrow firmly intact.

"I want him...bad," Eleanor nodded definitively.

"Aaaand, there it is," Tahani nodded in turn, looking smug.

"I'm surrounded by a bunch of know-it-alls!" Eleanor huffed, as even her dog was giving her a peculiar look.

"What do you plan to do about it?" Tahani pressed on, which made Eleanor want to die if she hadn't already been dead.

"Dunno, man, feelings are _not_ my jam," Eleanor shook her head fervently, starting to pace the room. "Plus, like, what am I gonna do? _Ruin_ the little nerd's entire afterlife by forking things up with his LITERAL soulmate?"

"And what about how Stunner feels?" Tahani put on her best scandalized voice, gesturing down at the golden retriever- she hoped that wherever Kamilah was, she knew deep down that her big sister was the better actress of the two of them.

Eleanor tossed a pillow at Tahani. "Not helping!"

After fixing her hair in the most miniscule reflection of a picture frame, Tahani stood, struck with a sudden and _brilliant_ idea.

"I'll see you later, Eleanor," She said brightly and without room for any comment, giving Stunner a pat before flouncing out the door.

"Good talk!" Eleanor groaned at the door Tahani had just passed through.

 _What the fork was she gonna do?_

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That's all for now! Updates will probably come super quickly. Usually when I write fics I just rapidly update until I hit a sudden and horrible writer's block. It's pretty chill. Anyway, hope y'all liked it! Reviews are strongly encouraged and always appreciated (I'm vaguely sensitive, but constructive criticism is 100% cool, I swear). Thanks!


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